I was a serious child. Being responsible, getting good grades and most of all being well behaved was instilled in me. Frugality was a huge value that was rooted in my brain since a very early age. I would get the toys I wanted for Christmas and birthdays for the most part, and had to throw tantrums for the books that I wanted outside of those events. I wasn’t always well behaved as you can see…
This frugality meant that fun was considered a luxury growing up. Leisure in fact was luxury. There was no space for anything that was not productive and especially to anything that was costly without any return. Which I understand – that’s how many families have to operate. I had all I needed – food, clothes, shelter, school – and there was little left for anything extra that was not absolutely necessary. Of course, it took a long time for me to realise that leisure, indulgence… and some fun, it’s something you need too.
But within that seriousness, there’s always been a part of me that rebelled against it. I had always loved books, art, started to dream of travelling very young, when no one around was doing any of these things. And there was this part of me that wanted to collect things – I collected stamps, labels (clothing labels can be little pieces of art), mini calendars, postcards (festive and from different locations), ballerina figurines. A lot of these things (with the exception of the ballerinas figurines) were free.
I loved the “Back to school” season because it meant new notebooks, pens, pencils… stationery. And quite honestly… I loved cute things. I remember Hello Kitty fever and my mum giving me a necklace that I didn’t wear that often… because even though I like cute, I don’t wear cute. I remember wanting the plushies from cute brands – Disney, Sanrio, Nici – but all of these being too pricey. I remember wanting the toy from the gachapon machines and not being given a coin. I remember wanting beautiful things, wanting to make art without purpose… but being denied a lot of that.
I’m not complaining. A part of me is happy I was raised with such values. It means I have become a financially and quite frankly environmentally responsible adult. Yet, even when I became financially independent and, to be frank, having money I never thought I would be close to having, I still find myself struggling to learn to just indulge from time to time. Always feeling guilt when I do so.
This has started to shift a little. As I transitioned to my early thirties it was like I was suddenly looking behind my twenties. That decade of my life was all about becoming even more serious – finishing my studies, finding a job, working hard, saving money. I indulged in travelling (budget), books and little more. And then I was thirty years of age. What else do you need to do to continue to prove you are an adult? Don’t I work a full time job, don’t I live alone, don’t I pay my own bills? In fact, I have been doing so for a very long time…
So I started to listen to these whispers from the past – behind my twenties, even before my teen years – and remembering the innocent things I used to love – stationary, collecting, crafts and well… cute things, just for the sake of being beautiful and bringing me joy.
And this brings me back to Japan.
In Japan, there is a very different approach to the image of an adult. You’ll find grown men and women with backpacks decorated with keyrings of all kinds. Stationery isn’t something for those who are in school – it’s an art. And there is a whole world of collectibles that goes way beyond children. Anime isn’t childish – it’s an art form, actually more suited to adults than to children a lot of the time. How many anime have I watched that eviscerated my heart into tiny pieces? How many are so dark and yet revealing of human nature… and so many others with the sort of wit you need to be an adult to fully understand.
I embraced all of this in Japan and barely held back. I played gachapon for all the time I was denied it in my childhood. I bought my first blind boxes. I got a Pikachu, Hello Kitty and Mofusand plushies. I spent my adult money on Sailor Moon stuff, the love of my childhood, the anime that still makes me emotional just listening to its songs.
And then when I was in Kyoto I came across the 50 year exhibition of Hello Kitty. Immediately I wanted to go, but I still hesitated. Was this appropriate for an adult? Was this me being too childish, too immature? Was this money badly spent? I forced myself to shut down these voices, the same that have often held me back from being truly myself and enjoy life.
I found myself justifying it – Hello Kitty is an emblem of Japan. It’s a cultural icon. Understanding its history, it’s also understanding Japan. And whilst all of this is true, in reality, I don’t have to explain myself. A superior meaning should not have to be attached to anything for it to make sense to me. What if I just like it? Isn’t that enough?
In this exhibition I grieved a little for the child I never quite allowed myself to be, and accepted her wholeheartedly. It was so endearing to see all the different facets of Hello Kitty, how it has evolved throughout the last fifty years, how it became part of what Japan means.
That was something that quite impressed me in Japan – it often blends tradition with pop culture, to the point that Hello Kitty has almost become a religion, a Kami of Shinto. Japan is a place where sacredness isn’t opposite to the mundane. In fact one seems to add value to the other. Japan is a place where you won’t necessarily be made fun of for having a Hello Kitty mug on your work desk.
In many ways, Japan healed my inner child. It satisfied my long lived cravings, it made me feel okay with being a thirty three year old woman purchasing little trinkets and insert 100 yen coins in gacha machines.
And todya, i look at the many trinkets and plushies I got in Japan and these fill me with pure joy. Not clutter, not regret. Just happiness.
Weirdly, in that far away land, the land of the rising sun, where I look so different from everyone else, and I only speak a few basic words of the language, where I often felt lost and overwhelmed… I found peace with myself.
Love, Nic
P.S. The below are affiliate links. This means I may earn a small commission if you decide to purchase or book anything through these links. None of it is sponsored. All my recommendations are based on my lived experience.
Where I stayed in Kyoto: Tune Stay https://booking.tpo.lv/6724knY6
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The Winged Bone 